Let us remember that it is never the adult who is unhappy, but the inner child, affected by early childhood depression and guilt.
THE ART OF HEALING MY INNER CHILD
For as long as I can remember, I was a lackluster student in elementary school. My grade 5 teacher used to call me a “dunce” in front of the whole class at least once a week, and I assure you I am not exaggerating. I was particularly bad at math, had no interest in geography, and hated history. Even though I had a certain interest in French and physical education, the word “dunce” had become so familiar to me that I firmly believed that I had no significant intellectual capacity, which translated into frequent meetings between my teacher, my mom, and me at the school to find out the reasons for my academic failure.
These meetings made little difference because I had internalized the idea of being a “failure” so deeply that success just seemed out of reach. In class, I often felt inferior to others, both mentally and physically. This was partly because of the silent or overt prejudices associated with my skin color and African background, and partly because I had subconsciously accepted these prejudices as intrinsic traits of my persona.
Photo by Bogdan – 3D Love – sculpture rendering for Alexander Milov.
Don’t worry, with time, I managed to attenuate these prejudices and that “self-stigmatization”. Indeed, I now understand that I am handsome, intelligent, creative, generous, cultured, athletic, in short, I might be the whole package;-). However, from time to time, I can feel this psychologically scarred child in me trying to convince me that I have not changed at all and that I will remain the same forever; unable to love myself and be loved, unable to succeed, unable to appreciate my intrinsic and non-negotiable value in this world, unable to be happy of just being me.
I find it crazy that even today, in my adult body, I still experience my childish emotions from time to time. I don’t like those emotions. That feeling of being trapped in the past in my own body. Can I heal my inner child? That is a question that obsesses me at the moment, because according to one of my recent readings “The older you get, the closer you get to your childhood, to your origins, finding intact all that you had left there.”
How do I heal my inner child for good?
This question is of crucial importance to my art and my life because my art is the living expression of my inner child. It reflects his deepest need to express himself and to be free. So far, the first step of my self-therapy consists in dialoguing with my inner child through daily journaling. The more I dialogue with him, the more I realize that he has things to say, and his heavy and uncomfortable emotions simply reflect his need to confide and be listened to. I can feel that we’re growing together. My next step might be official psychotherapy, we’ll see how things go…
To those who, like me, sometimes feel deeply unfulfilled in their adult lives and wonder why, I would like to leave these few words to ponder from author Moussa Nabati: ‘Let us remember that is never the adult who is unhappy, but the inner child, affected by early childhood depression (ECD) and guilt.’… ‘There is no point in exhausting oneself in concretely doing this or that. On the other hand, it is essential to pacify the relations with one’s past by understanding one’s history.’